When you just can't do it anymore.

[Cappa]

I don't want to give my medical history again. It's too full of details that I don't want to think about or obsess over any longer, but it's the only way to deal with the problem. It's the only way to find a path that will get me out of this mess. I can't deal with the bullshit doctors anymore. I'm so tired of them not knowing the the hell they are doing and just making things worse. But then I also makes things worse for myself by acting impulsive/compulsively and complicating my situation even further.

It just seems like there is no path to health and happiness for me. I don't even want to open the can of worms and start to give details about all what is wrong - it's too damn comprehensive/excessive and will only lead to obsession and mood swings and panic and other craziness and nothing will change anyways.

So my choices are what? To continue doing this, day in and day out, spinning in my own tracks, frantically going no where while the whole world passes me by.

Yeah I'm doing this consultation thing now. Maybe it will work out. I don't know if we can get to the bottom of it. I'm too damaged at this point anyways and the history is too dense and doesn't lend itself well to a bullet point medical history format. And of course I make things worse for myself by obsessing and monopolizing the conversations with my own particular fears and shortsightedness, throwing off the whole process.

This story is old. I'm tired of telling it only to get no where.

I'm just tired. And no one seems to see it. They say you gotta snap out of it. That you gotta be the cat instead of the mouse. Or that your psychotropic cocktail needs to be tweaked further. Hope is just one mood stabilizer or antipsychotic or antidepressant away. Right.. Of course they've only made my situation about a million times worse, but if I'm to get better what I really need is more of the same.

I'm not just tired. It's the point past tired when you're basically just moving around in a bag of flesh. And still I feel somehow hypervigilant and energized but there's just nothing there. There's nothing happening. Nothing is moving. Frantically going no where is the best way to describe it.

But the burn out continues and I'm less able to cope with it as time passes.

People who want to help me are either mad scientists and non-scientists. Other professionals don't take me all that seriously because of the anxiety/OCD.

Maybe I'll let this consultation thing play out. We missed some important points. I just want to get better already.

It's just not going to happen.

I'm too messed up.

[wapf fan]

"If you want to explore further into your potential issue I am available for consulting for your health needs and willl try to get you some other areas to look into. I have several people that are from canada that i have been dealing with in past years Chip douglas been one of them and finally after 3 years (if he would had listening to the suggestion then) he would have been on his way to recovery. Now after 3 years he is 80% better and his relationship was probably saved.

Email:
matrixhealthandwellness@gmail.com
contact me for info"

Did you follow up on this? Cappa, I know what you mean when people expect you to just cheer up already. That's impossible when you are sick. But I feel certain that there is help for you. You have to find the right person. That's what this forum is about. People and a doctor who actually know what they are doing and really do care. It's been a long road for me but I know I will get better. I finally have answers as to what is wrong with me. And I don't blame myself anymore. Please keep trying. There are answers for you too.

[Cappa]

Originally Posted by wapf fan

"If you want to explore further into your potential issue I am available for consulting for your health needs and willl try to get you some other areas to look into. I have several people that are from canada that i have been dealing with in past years Chip douglas been one of them and finally after 3 years (if he would had listening to the suggestion then) he would have been on his way to recovery. Now after 3 years he is 80% better and his relationship was probably saved.

Email:
matrixhealthandwellness@gmail.com
contact me for info"

Did you follow up on this? Cappa, I know what you mean when people expect you to just cheer up already. That's impossible when you are sick. But I feel certain that there is help for you. You have to find the right person. That's what this forum is about. People and a doctor who actually know what they are doing and really do care. It's been a long road for me but I know I will get better. I finally have answers as to what is wrong with me. And I don't blame myself anymore. Please keep trying. There are answers for you too.

I should not give details about the consultations (in respect of the process), but yes I have proceeded with this.

Thank you for your words. Even in the moments that I am hopeful there is no calm; plagued by hyper-vigilant obsession, anxiety and physical/mental/psychological exhaustion. So there are no good times. It's like being a living dead man. Really sucks.

OK, [/pity-party].

But seriously, it really sucks.

[wapf fan]

It does really suck. Our bodies were originally created to be healthy and robust and our minds to be clear and happy. So when you find someone you can really trust, if you haven't already, then give it your all and follow directions to the "t". The right person can get you well. I wish you the best.

[Cappa]

Originally Posted by wapf fan

It does really suck. Our bodies were originally created to be healthy and robust and our minds to be clear and happy. So when you find someone you can really trust, if you haven't already, then give it your all and follow directions to the "t". The right person can get you well. I wish you the best.

No one can ever keep track of all of the factors involved. There is never enough time to get into every single little detail, and even if I could I'll always think that there will be something left that I may have missed. I can never let my guard down, I will never be satisfied with the process or with myself for that matter and there will never be an end to this hell.

I hate to say it, but it's the truth. Or at least it's all I know. Maybe my perspective is limited by how I experience reality, which in turn is limited by the various issues. That's possible. But as long as this is all that I know, that possibility just seems so foreign and distant.

[wapf fan]

Of course that's all you know. When you feel crappy enough for long enough you cannot see beyond that. That is what is so strange about mood disorders. It is so hard to believe that something wrong in your body can change your whole mood for the worse. When you feel bad that is all there is.

Let me tell you briefly about me. I have low thyroid and adrenal fatigue and various low and high hormones and low vitamins and iodine. I began treatment a year ago but blew it by not going back to see doctor when he told me too. I was thinking it was just a slow process. Turns out I needed a different thyroid med. Well during that time I discovered gluten intolerance. THAT did not help things. Well now I see Dr. M when I am supposed to and I can finally say now that for the last 6 days in a row I have a good outlook. I do not feel like a million bucks yet but SO much better than I had. It was terrible. My body hurt all over and I was so sad and irritable. Miserable. But with the care of a doctor who is constantly increasing his knowledge of these matters and tweaking my meds and sticking to a gluten-free diet I am seeing the light.

Now I have a friend who is worse than I was I think in some respects (he cannot tolerate too many foods and is picky anyway, for example) and he is seeing more than one doctor. That doesn't work. He is piecing together his treatment from doctors with different ideas. And he is NOT getting better. I think one of his biggest problems is trust. He doesn't completely trust what any one doctor says. Cappa, you gotta trust someone. My pick, of course is Dr. Mariano because I have seen first hand what he can do. He really fixed up my husband who was a complete mess. And I'm on the road to recovery. And he really cares.

So don't give up. Continue to talk to people about it, continue to seek help, continue to eat well and maybe try praying too if you don't already.

Please believe that you can get better. Just believe!

[Geno]

Cappa, I don't know how old you are but I'm a 46 yr old male who has felt "Unhealthy" and Tired, Depressed, Sad, Angry, Hurt, Alone, Fatigued, and just about everything else there is "Mentally and Physically" dreadful, regarding to how a person feels and views life in a world where "Feeling Tired and Sad" every single day for many years (in my case aproximately 17 years ) whereas I can only tell you a little about me and what I did that may help to motivate you to NOT GIVE UP !! I have had similar conditions like "wapf fan" described as well, and believe me when I say that "I also felt like you do now" and/or worse for that matter for many years. I did not think I would ever find the proper medical care (and believe me... I searched and went through many Doctors and was tried on at least 60 different types of medications over the past 17 years, and I am still on about 9. Anyway, with the little energy I was able to muster up, and with the little "working brain memory" i still had to research and read and the efforts I miraculously was able to put forth to try to find a "Good Doctor" or treatment that could restore my health back to "A functioning" level, so to speak, I NEVER GAVE UP AND I KNEW SOMEWHERE IN THIS BIG WORLD OF OURS that there was and (is) a Doctor in which I could trust and find that could and would help me get out of that DEEP, DARK (gravelike) HOLE, that I was "stuck in" for so long ! I don't even have a job due to my many medical conditions that have "Disabled" me. So I am not financially wealthy nor did I have the help of "The Medical System" such as someone who is Rich and Famous, such as the President of the United States would get if he were to become ill with the various medical problems you and I have and many others on this site, but I always kept up hope and I did not give up until I found the right Doctor and the proper medical treatment (For Me). I don't know much about your conditions and you apparently did not wish to elaborate on these forums ( and I understand why---- It's probably because it is too tiring and exhausting to write or type, and/or the energy it takes out of you to even talk about your medical problems most likely fatigues you and makes you feel CRAPPY about yourself and all that negative stuff, right ?) Besides..... You probably say to yourself "Nobody cares about me and my problems" You used the words "Pitty Party" somewhere in one of your posts. Ya, it SUCKS sometimes when our lives and medical problems arise to the point where life seems soooooooo DIFFICULT, and you don't even want to get out of bed etc...... Ya, I know that feeling very well !!!!! After many years and too many prescriptions and Doctor searching appointments over the past 17 years or so, I finally found Dr. Mariano, and I was lucky for one thing, and that is that his office is only about a 30 minute drive from where I live !! Without going into detail about my treatment with Dr. M (Against the Forum Rules) I will just say this to you and anyone else reading this post reply "I am happy to say that after about 7 months of medicaL treatment with Dr. Mariano, I FEEL BETTER TODAY ABOUT MY LIFE AND HEALTH THAN I HAVE DURING THE PAST 17 YEARS OF TRYING TO FIND THE BEST MEDICAL TREATMENT FOR ME !" Seven months ago I thought I was going to die from my mind and body shutting down or something ?! I did not feel like as if I was even ALIVE! I was too tired and depressed etc.. Today I feel much better and I can't wait to see Dr. M next month !! Hang in there! Never give up !!

[Cappa]

Originally Posted by wapf fan

and he is seeing more than one doctor. That doesn't work. He is piecing together his treatment from doctors with different ideas. And he is NOT getting better. I think one of his biggest problems is trust. He doesn't completely trust what any one doctor says. Cappa, you gotta trust someone.

Yes.

Originally Posted by Geno

( and I understand why---- It's probably because it is too tiring and exhausting to write or type, and/or the energy it takes out of you to even talk about your medical problems most likely fatigues you and makes you feel CRAPPY about yourself and all that negative stuff, right ?)

Yes.

I will just have to trust in the current process (outside consultations in concert with my GP). Always concerned about people missing things, never being able to tell the whole story or list off all of the factors that may be involved in creating this mess, etc. In many ways I'm my own worst enemy. But then it's important to analyze these things from all angles in order to come to a clear understanding of what might really be going on.

It's a really hard and strange position to be in. Wish it were just over already.

[Geno]

Hey Cappa, I noticed you are seeing "your own GP" and some type of "outside consultation" person/therapist or ??? I'd like to help you if possible by giving you a little bit of advice from a guy who at last count has sought medical care from approximately 26 Doctors (after looking through my own medical records file at home to confirm), I have kept s copy of just about every medical document that I could get my hands on from all the various doctor visits I gave had over since 1992, and just like you, I STRUGGLED & SUFFERED along the way all of those years of receiving THE BASIC MINIMUM OF MEDICAL CARE (The Band-Aid) treatment is what I call it, but even though I don't know much about your own medical conditions, past, or current, I would like to give you some very true and solid advice about seeking "The BETTER CARE AND TREATMENT" from the medical system that is available to you and which may be within your ability to seek out a more "Accurate" treatment plan that may help you to get out of that deep, dark , hole that you somehow found yourself in, and what sounds like to me that YOU WANT OUT OF RIGHT NOW !! and/or as soon as possible! Right ? Well, for one thing, you are lucky to have found Dr. Mariano's Definitivemind website ! I have learned a lot about my own health from this site and like I mentioned in my recent reply to you, I am fortunate enough to live 30 minutes away from Dr. M's office. Cappa, you might want to look into seeking medical care from medical "SPECIALIST'S" who are disciplined in the area's of the
various medical conditions that your "GP" simply CANNOT help you with and whom is NOT trained or able to help you with. I don't want to sound rude or sarcastic, but to put it simply for you (and others who may be reading this and who may not already know)......"If you have
a toothache/cavity for example, you wouldn't go see a Chiropractor or a Dermatologist for your tooth problem would you? Or if your vision was deteriorating or blurry, you would go see an Eye Doctor and NOT a Podiatrist (foot Doctor) right?? I had to learn on my own by researching everything I could about MY OWN MEDICAL symptoms, diagnosis,medications, types of treatments, what works and what does not, etc..., and it was not easy for me because just like you "I was too miserable to think and read and I could not even get out of bed on most days !" for many years !! I even subscribed to professional medical journals that normally ONLY DOCTOR'S could get, or you had to at least be a "Medical Student" at a University with some Medical Journal companies. I made myself "A medical student of MY OWN HEALTH" which in turn helped me over the years to be able to communicate and understand many of the complex Medical Language so that I could go into a Doctor's office and HELP MYSELF by helping the Doctor to help me MORE THAN HE/She WOULD HELP PATIENT'S that may appear to the Physician NOT TO REALLY CARE ABOUT TRULY IMPROVING ONE'S Health & life. Doctor's can tell which patient's will comply with the Doctor's treatment and/or "Take the prescribed medication AS PRESCRIBED" or NOT. You also mentioned that "You are your own worst enemy" ???? I can relate to that also. When I was feeling at my worst and was losing hope on finding the proper medical treatment that I needed etc. I was too TIRED AND DEPRESSED to truly care about life and I felt so hopeless that "Nobody cares to want to help me " and all of that negative crap took over my mind (Major Depression) and I did not eat healthy, could not sleep well, (or I slept all day long alot) and the only thing I was good at was "BEING SICK SND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED"
Well Cappa, I am somehow wired from a good upbringing and Good Family Structure in y life, and up until 1995 when I lost my career as a Peace Officer after becoming ill with Major Depression over the loss of my son, then loosing a very high paying career job soon afterwards, my life and my health went downhill from there. Like I said before, I can relate to some of your views on how "life sucks" etc... But as I was trying to say earlier, I must be wired a certain way because no matter what crap has happened bad in my life, and my health, I have something inside me that has always made me believe that I could keep my head above water, and NOT DROWN!! Try your best to keep your head above water and with the very little energy you have left in you, try to educate yourself more about your health and don't rely only on your "GP" to heal you. Stop being your own worst enemy and if you drink,smoke, or do illegal drugs, YOU MUST QUIT !! I used to self medicate with Beer, drinking with my so called friends while trying to "Ease the pain" of my life problems, but I found sobriety and I have been clean and sober for more than 6 years now !
Since I met Dr. Mariano 7 months ago, his Awesome medical mind and talent along with MY OWN Personal medical treatment plan has IMPROVED my life by around 70% !!!
I no longer feel like "The walking dead person" that I felt 7 months ago !!!! He has a few more treatments to give me in conjunction with the various treatments he has me on now, and I am so much happier and hopefull about getting my health and my life back in order, after way too many years of "Getting Nowhere" with the many other Doctors and many various prescription medications that were "Thrown at me" so to speak, over the past 15 years or so. Hang in there Cappa ! It will get better !

[Cappa]

Originally Posted by Geno

Hey Cappa, I noticed you are seeing "your own GP" and some type of "outside consultation" person/therapist or ??? I'd like to help you if possible by giving you a little bit of advice from a guy who at last count has sought medical care from approximately 26 Doctors (after looking through my own medical records file at home to confirm), I have kept s copy of just about every medical document that I could get my hands on from all the various doctor visits I gave had over since 1992, and just like you, I STRUGGLED & SUFFERED along the way all of those years of receiving THE BASIC MINIMUM OF MEDICAL CARE (The Band-Aid) treatment is what I call it, but even though I don't know much about your own medical conditions, past, or current, I would like to give you some very true and solid advice about seeking "The BETTER CARE AND TREATMENT" from the medical system that is available to you and which may be within your ability to seek out a more "Accurate" treatment plan that may help you to get out of that deep, dark , hole that you somehow found yourself in, and what sounds like to me that YOU WANT OUT OF RIGHT NOW !! and/or as soon as possible! Right ? Well, for one thing, you are lucky to have found Dr. Mariano's Definitivemind website ! I have learned a lot about my own health from this site and like I mentioned in my recent reply to you, I am fortunate enough to live 30 minutes away from Dr. M's office. Cappa, you might want to look into seeking medical care from medical "SPECIALIST'S" who are disciplined in the area's of the
various medical conditions that your "GP" simply CANNOT help you with and whom is NOT trained or able to help you with. I don't want to sound rude or sarcastic, but to put it simply for you (and others who may be reading this and who may not already know)......"If you have
a toothache/cavity for example, you wouldn't go see a Chiropractor or a Dermatologist for your tooth problem would you? Or if your vision was deteriorating or blurry, you would go see an Eye Doctor and NOT a Podiatrist (foot Doctor) right?? I had to learn on my own by researching everything I could about MY OWN MEDICAL symptoms, diagnosis,medications, types of treatments, what works and what does not, etc..., and it was not easy for me because just like you "I was too miserable to think and read and I could not even get out of bed on most days !" for many years !! I even subscribed to professional medical journals that normally ONLY DOCTOR'S could get, or you had to at least be a "Medical Student" at a University with some Medical Journal companies. I made myself "A medical student of MY OWN HEALTH" which in turn helped me over the years to be able to communicate and understand many of the complex Medical Language so that I could go into a Doctor's office and HELP MYSELF by helping the Doctor to help me MORE THAN HE/She WOULD HELP PATIENT'S that may appear to the Physician NOT TO REALLY CARE ABOUT TRULY IMPROVING ONE'S Health & life. Doctor's can tell which patient's will comply with the Doctor's treatment and/or "Take the prescribed medication AS PRESCRIBED" or NOT. You also mentioned that "You are your own worst enemy" ???? I can relate to that also. When I was feeling at my worst and was losing hope on finding the proper medical treatment that I needed etc. I was too TIRED AND DEPRESSED to truly care about life and I felt so hopeless that "Nobody cares to want to help me " and all of that negative crap took over my mind (Major Depression) and I did not eat healthy, could not sleep well, (or I slept all day long alot) and the only thing I was good at was "BEING SICK SND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED"
Well Cappa, I am somehow wired from a good upbringing and Good Family Structure in y life, and up until 1995 when I lost my career as a Peace Officer after becoming ill with Major Depression over the loss of my son, then loosing a very high paying career job soon afterwards, my life and my health went downhill from there. Like I said before, I can relate to some of your views on how "life sucks" etc... But as I was trying to say earlier, I must be wired a certain way because no matter what crap has happened bad in my life, and my health, I have something inside me that has always made me believe that I could keep my head above water, and NOT DROWN!! Try your best to keep your head above water and with the very little energy you have left in you, try to educate yourself more about your health and don't rely only on your "GP" to heal you. Stop being your own worst enemy and if you drink,smoke, or do illegal drugs, YOU MUST QUIT !! I used to self medicate with Beer, drinking with my so called friends while trying to "Ease the pain" of my life problems, but I found sobriety and I have been clean and sober for more than 6 years now !
Since I met Dr. Mariano 7 months ago, his Awesome medical mind and talent along with MY OWN Personal medical treatment plan has IMPROVED my life by around 70% !!!
I no longer feel like "The walking dead person" that I felt 7 months ago !!!! He has a few more treatments to give me in conjunction with the various treatments he has me on now, and I am so much happier and hopefull about getting my health and my life back in order, after way too many years of "Getting Nowhere" with the many other Doctors and many various prescription medications that were "Thrown at me" so to speak, over the past 15 years or so. Hang in there Cappa ! It will get better !

The consultant with whom I'm working with at the moment is very knowledgeable on these matters. My GP is very good in some areas of medicine but doesn't seem to have an extensive knowledge in the areas that apply to my current issues, although he is flexible and seems willing to go along with the various blood tests, etc. So there is a bit of a gap.. In an ideal world I could travel across the border and see someone face to face in a more comprehensive way. But given the available options, this seems like the best way to go. I hope the issues will improve or resolve. That would be great.